After playing games at the beach, a friend invited me to join him and other friends to an open mic at the local pizza place. I didn't feel interested in going to the pizza place, but certainly wanted to share time with these friends since I hadn't seen them in a while; so I joined them at their rooftop, while they were preparing to leave.

At some point, one of the friends asked if I would like to freestyle rap; he said to not think much about which words to use and just go for it, accepting that it won't be good, and that the first step is to destroy the ego.

I thought to myself "yes, I know this" - I have lived this many times, accepting not knowing as part of the process of curiosity.

But I couldn't get myself at all to begin saying words, even in my native tongue - "you have to be good, you have to do your best" is the only resolution that my heart gave.

It made me sad to see that there are still parts in me that believe this way, that it wasn't enough just to play and have fun.

Even when I thought of a few stories that would be fun to try to share while exploring rhythm, like the small chicken I had as a kid, or how my grandma would pray to win the lottery, or how the chickens (and other birds) at the farm of one of my friends would chase and scream at each other whenever sex was unfolding.

I could observe these thoughts, and my ego making excuses for itself, but it was either observing or running with it, or at least, it felt that way in the moment.

And to give myself grace, I accepted that I felt discomfort in attempting this, but also gave my word to my friend that next time we meet, without any plan, I will also freestyle, and whatever comes out will.